tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41447962011-04-21T12:40:50.220-07:00Danny Gallagher: UnproofedHumorist Danny Gallagher holds nothing back, refuses to censor himself and doesn't even bother to check for spelling errrorsDannynoreply@blogger.comBlogger351100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1125554456745947442005-08-31T20:39:00.000-07:002005-08-31T23:00:56.753-07:00New Orleans: H2Oh-NoThe evening news is covered from hour to hour with footage of Hurricane Katrina that completely destroyed the Gulf Coast and made it ground zero to the nation's worst natural disaster of the last 100 years. The footage contains images of New Orleans landmarks like the Superdome, the ultra-old above ground cemetaries and Bourbon Street, the most vomited upon road in the entire Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1125275149314784422005-08-28T16:47:00.000-07:002005-08-28T17:53:39.866-07:00What Would Jesus Do? Kill Them All and Let "Dad" Sort Them OutFor the past three months, I've been working as a ghostwriter on a book about the history and current state of religion. I can't put my name on it since I'm being paid as a ghostwriter, but it allows me to rant about the dangerously powerful position our relgious leaders have and how they are abusing it to control the minds of innocentDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1124852897763885992005-08-23T19:44:00.000-07:002005-08-23T21:15:59.100-07:00 Know Your States: Mine's Purple!My close personal friend and fellow humorist Sasha Faynor (who doesn't have a website yet so I'll have to link her to here) read an email I sent her recently about yet another rejection letter I received from yet another newspaper about one of my columns (for fear of litigation, I also can't post a link to them so I will have to link to them here). I told her theyDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1111524297489066062005-03-22T12:44:00.000-08:002005-03-23T13:32:55.943-08:00No matter what your opinion is of organized religion, you have to admit that it makes people believe and do some crazy, stupid things and I'm not just talking about the mass genocide, horrific destruction and unncessary pain people inflict on each other in the name of God. I'm talking about the kind of stuff that would make God fire his publicity agent. "That's the last time you put my likeness Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1109831256509725362005-03-02T22:27:00.000-08:002005-03-02T22:27:36.510-08:00Say what you will about the director of the CIA but he's the most honest guy Bush has ever hired. CIA Director Amazed His Job is So Hard, Can't Believe It's Not ButterCIA Director Porter Goss in a public appearance so rare it will give you heart disease that his job is (and I'm quoting because making up quotes takes up too much of my time) "too much for this mortal." Will somebody get the limitedDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1108398970390644402005-02-14T08:08:00.000-08:002005-02-14T08:36:10.393-08:00Normally, I don't post a lot of entertainment news on this blog because, as a comedy writer, the potential for hilarity in celebrity gossip and tell-alls are just too easy. Most times when I'm reading about Jennifer Lopez's latest nuptuals or Michael Jackson volunteering his time with the Vienna Boys Choir, I don't even have to write material. It's just rip and read. Case in point... Actor Tom Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1107887289602882922005-02-08T10:27:00.000-08:002005-02-08T10:28:09.603-08:00One of my New Year's resolutions for 2005 was to do less rants about President Bush in my columns and drunken street ramblings for loose change by widening the scope of my sarcasm sniper rifle to stories outside of the political arena. I know I pick on him a lot, sometimes unfairly because he's one of the most widely loved and hated Republican presidents of our time with a checkered past and someDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1107372695805007882005-02-02T11:31:00.000-08:002005-02-02T11:31:35.806-08:00If you're anything like me, you'll be drinking fairly heavily during President's Bush's State of the Union address before Congress tonight. Just read this and tell me you don't feel like getting hammered.
Bush Prepares State of the Union Address on Back of Hooters Cocktail Napkin
According to the Associated Press, he's going to talk about privatizing social security, bringing further freedomDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1106283498067202372005-01-20T20:57:00.000-08:002005-01-20T20:58:18.066-08:00Well, it's official. George W. Bush has officially become our President again and already, he's spending money wildly like Rosie O'Donnell in a candy store.
Bush's Inauguration to Cost Over $40 Million, 10 Percent to Cover Bush Twins' Drink Tab
That's right, just the like the party the football players threw after your high school prom, this bash is going to cost more money than you'll ever seeDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1105642958524064112005-01-13T11:01:00.000-08:002005-01-13T11:04:59.423-08:00Yes, Earth, it's true. We Americans are a hefty bunch, and that's practically a compliment. We are a nation of fat f#*$&s. We're so fat in fact that even our holy food pyramid needs to be changed.
HHS Rebuilds Food Pyramid Thanks to Friendly Slaves Willing to Die for it's Construction
The Dietary Guidelines for Americans have been changed for 2005 at a time when 65% of Americans or overweight, Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1105418683279037392005-01-10T20:43:00.000-08:002005-01-10T20:44:43.280-08:00Hey remember that guy...uh...that guy with the beard. You know who I mean, the guy who destroyed that big building in New York City and killed God only knows how many people who we can't seem to find even though he has a full film and make up crew following him around the world so he can make tapes to release to the media and threaten the world with violence and terror and fear while we bounce Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1088564439669352432004-06-29T19:34:00.000-07:002004-06-29T21:41:02.080-07:00I know that a story like this isn't as important as, say, the early handover of Iraq to the new government and the bloodbath that ensued or the new interest rate hike or the fact that one of the Olson Twins has an eating disorder. But this is just too good, the temptation is too much. Must...resist...urge...to...talk...about...Dick...Cheney...ah, screw it.
Cheney Curses Out Sen. Leahy on Senate Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1085103483603576582004-05-20T17:55:00.000-07:002004-05-20T18:57:20.253-07:00It's not often that a story like this one rears it's funny looking head on the Internet. But when it does, one cannot turn away, one must mock it. It's like a Medusa version of Siegfried and Roy.
Hastert Critizes McCain on Sacrifices for War
After a two month slapfest between House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Illinois, and Senator John McCain, R-Arizona, the two finally got into a public Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1083035151527226922004-04-26T18:25:00.000-07:002004-04-26T20:58:00.140-07:00The mud in this Presidential election is flying like they've sprouted wings and headed South for the winter. And, not surprisingly, almost all of it is focused on John Kerry and President Bush's military record.
Kerry's Military Record, Achievements "Bush"whacked
Since Kerry's military record as a Vietnam veteran is his strongest asset as a presidential candidate, the Bush campaign has decidedDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1082433586979706052004-04-19T18:46:00.000-07:002004-04-19T21:03:44.233-07:00Ever since 9/11, a lot of political and government figure heads have been wanting to take away some of our most basic civil liberties and Constitutional rights for the sake of safety and control. But there's a small town in Texas called New Braunfels that's passed an ordinance that if it has a ripple effect on the federal level could destroy freedom as we know it.
New Braunfels Bans Beer Bongs
Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1081008992046933722004-04-03T08:30:00.000-08:002004-04-03T10:30:35.936-08:00I realize that I've been picking on the Bush Administration a lot lately, but trying to do otherwise is like trying to win a staring contest with Medusa. The stories lately are just too ridiculous and too ripe for ridicule to pass up. Here's what I mean...
White House Denies Sacrificing Scientific Fact for Political Agendas
The President's Office of Science and Technology Policy is being Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1080158206325721122004-03-24T11:03:00.000-08:002004-03-24T12:05:38.263-08:00Ever since Sept. 11, the American people have been trying to figure out what went wrong with our national security network. But now that certain defense members of the Bush and Clinton Administrations have finally decided to meet with the 9-11 Commission this week, maybe there's a smidgen of a chance they'll shed some light on the answers we've been searching for all these years. Then again, Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1079305446088541882004-03-14T13:17:00.000-08:002004-03-14T15:09:27.293-08:00Media and censorship have been at the heart of the First Amendment ever since the Founding Fathers first jotted down the idea of the U.S. Constitution on the back of a cocktail napkin. And nothing in the history of this country have taken more pot shots from overbearing tyrants than the First Amendment with the exception of communism, the French and Carrot Top.
But now, we're in the midst of Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1074355952973252312004-01-17T08:12:00.000-08:002004-01-17T08:20:09.560-08:00I was glad to hear the bidding negotiations for rebuilding Iraq would be reopened after the Pentagon and U.S. Army Corps of Engineers just handed it over to Halliburton without any thought of better deals or other offers. Obviously, it always best to go with the chepeast deal especially when the President is asking for money more times than a hooker with short term memory loss, and it doesn't Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1073625357875898712004-01-08T21:15:00.001-08:002004-01-08T21:40:56.060-08:00For baseball fans like me, this moment is both a definitive point in its history and the biggest "I told you so" moment since Darryl Strawberry was pciked up, arrested and forgiven more times than a Bush twin.
Pete Rose Admits to Betting on Baseball on ABC
Cincinnati Reds icon Pete Rose admitted to his wrongdoing during an interview with Charles Gibson on Primetime Live after 15 years of Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1069816527985580792003-11-25T19:10:00.000-08:002003-11-25T19:50:47.153-08:00Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger's been in office for about a month since the recall with a budget deficit bigger than an elephant's colon, so naturally it's time to start cutting some programs.
Schwarzenegger Administration Offers List of Budget Cuts
One of Schwarzenegger's aides announced the official batting order of state funded programs that are going to be either cut slightly, cut completely or Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1067057778779397492003-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:002003-11-07T19:25:17.826-08:00First, I thought the lack of government action during the Enron, Tyco, Worldcom and Global Crossing scandals were a slap in our collective face. Then, I thought the public relevation of the Haliburton Iraqi-rebuilding contract with the Pentagon was a huge punch in our collective eye. Now, did somebody just get the license plate number of that bus that ran over us?
Senate Approves Pay Raise for Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1065497193619575482003-10-15T12:03:00.000-07:002003-10-15T15:57:19.410-07:00This whole White House leak thing is more intriguing to me than any other current national story because there aren't many surprises in store, the main one being that there will be no apologies or explanations from the White House that our classified information is being handled less carefully than a baby relocating a cylinder of Plutonium 234 with a pair of ice tongs.
Bush Promises to Contain Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1064631399695965132003-09-26T19:43:00.000-07:002003-09-26T19:59:05.906-07:00With all this ridiculous Bennifer nonsense behind us, we can finally get some more important, pressing matters like...
All Segway Human Transporters RecalledGood God, is there no end to the amount of crap news in the papers these days? I literally couldn't find anything in today's papers on the war, the economy, Congress (except for that dumb-ass story about the "Do Not Call" list being Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1064461804456038462003-09-24T20:47:00.000-07:002003-09-26T11:58:16.620-07:00The reason I created "The News Rants" blog is because I wanted there to be a place on the web where the important stories and issues of the day would get their needed space in the spotlight. A place where the stories that seem to go unnoticed in the mainstream press get their due attention since they're important moments on our history that affect the people, not the press's pocketbooks. So it isDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-1058590352968733802003-07-18T21:52:00.000-07:002003-07-30T22:15:54.640-07:00There comes a day in every nation's history when the unthinkable happens. A day that can literally rip the fabrics of our souls apart. The kind of day that Frankling D. Roosevelt once described as "a day that will live infamy."
That day is today.
Penthouse Magazine Could Cease Publication Soon
The porn magazine that's been the ugly, annoying, hyperactive younger brother with epilepsy to Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-958144782003-06-18T20:37:00.000-07:002003-06-18T21:31:59.000-07:00This one was a surprise, but then again so was the 2000 Presidential Election, so what the hell do I know?
U.S. Justice Department Bans Federal Agents from Racial Profiling
That's right, the top brass at the DOJ, the Department of Justice (not "Donut of Jelly," the scientific term for a jelly donut), decided that arresting suspects solely on the basis of the race is a big no-no and ordered Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-933231062003-04-26T19:33:00.000-07:002003-04-26T21:15:01.000-07:00The war is over, or at least that's what my TV is telling me. That and "kill, kill, kill." Anyway, that means I can lay off the war coverage for a bit and focus on something a little happier...like this...
Cute Bunny Makes Kiddies Laugh
Just kidding, here's this week's much happier story.
Journalism Professor Announces Identity of Deep Throat
Turns out a journalism professor at the Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-918215652003-04-01T20:58:00.000-08:002003-04-01T20:58:34.123-08:00With the sound of marching drums in Iraq, only one sound is sure to follow. Of course, I'm talking about the sound of...ringing cash registers?
House, Senate Approve War Appropriations
The number's are finally in folks, and the war is going to cost you and me over $80 billion smackers, which is about 7 billion more than President Bush's predictions. Now I don't know you handle your debts but Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-913943752003-03-25T21:40:00.000-08:002003-04-01T20:13:19.000-08:00I know it's hard to make economic stories funny. But I'm never one to back away from a challenge, so here it goes.
Bush's Tax Cut Proposal Reduced By Congress
Now, I know for some of you this isn't exactly news that makes you want to run outside and frolick in the rays of the sun singing "So Happy Together" at the top of your lungs, but hear me out. Two days ago, Bush announced the war will costDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-912588832003-03-23T20:15:00.000-08:002003-03-26T20:05:59.000-08:00I'm sitting here tonight writing tonight's "NewsRants" watching the Oscars and vowing for once to watch it the whole way through. Not that I really care who wins, it's just three hours of television that doesn't mention "Saddam Hussein," "war" or "Dixie Chicks" for more than 247 times in one half-hour. Technically, they were only mention 147 times during the Oscars, so it was a relief to watch toDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-907483712003-03-14T20:52:00.000-08:002003-03-17T20:23:43.000-08:00I'm sure that for some of you, the following doesn't apply.But if I were a betting man and a farmer, I'd bet the farm that you don't even read a newspaper let alone use them to line the floor of your hamster cage.Instead, you use that bit of change in your pocket to pick up the latest copy of People or US Weekly for the latest on what Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are really doing in their foyerDannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-894800492003-02-20T21:36:00.000-08:002003-02-20T21:36:24.380-08:00A Whole New World...of Nutjobs
I'm about two and a half weeks into my new job at the Henderson newspaper, and to say the least, it's keeping me about as far away from my computer and the rest of my life as possible. It's almost like having a really controlling girlfriend. She keeps you as far from your old life as possible, cuts off communication with people that you cared about especially Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-881365612003-01-27T19:58:00.000-08:002003-01-27T20:08:44.000-08:00From One Battleground to the Next
I always get a little bit melancholy when the football season ends. It's an integral part of a man's life. Football isn't just something to watch on the weekends and spend the rest of the week discussing. It's an excuse.
To sports fans like me, football serves as the world's most perfect excuse for behavior that in any other circumstances would be totally Dannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4144796.post-880383662003-01-25T23:16:00.000-08:002003-01-27T16:27:04.000-08:00I know what you're thinking.
"But Danny, I have no clue who you are. I was looking for Anne Heche's blog when I came across your non-celebrity waste of web space."
Damn it, voice in my head, shut up. Here's what you're thinking.
"But Danny, everyone in the entire universe and their mother and their mother's mother have some kind of blog on the Internet. Whadaupwithdat?"
Well, while I'm Dannynoreply@blogger.com