I'm sure that for some of you, the following doesn't apply.But if I were a betting man and a farmer, I'd bet the farm that you don't even read a newspaper let alone use them to line the floor of your hamster cage.Instead, you use that bit of change in your pocket to pick up the latest copy of People or US Weekly for the latest on what Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are really doing in their foyer or what fast food restaurant drive-thru window the latest reject from "American Idol" is working.
But who can blame you? The news is scarier these days than waking up in bed after an all night tequila bender next to Dame Edna. So don't worry, I'll do the work for you. I'll read the paper each week and bring you up to speed on everything that's anything worth mentioning in the news and even some stuff that you don't need to know and didn't know happened in the first place but would just be good to know about.
President Bush Holds Iraq Summit in Azores
Ok first off, President Bush is trying to salvage whatever allies he can against Saddam Hussein since his United Nations resolution stalled because so far, he's only got Spain, Bulgaria and Great Britain on his side. So he's going to the Azores with Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar but not with the Bulgarian Prime Minister. Not even the Bulgarian Postmaster General.
They've got to be feeling really left out right now like when you want to go to the movies with your friends and sneak into the really dirty movie, but your mother makes you take your little brother with you so he doesn't feel left out. So you go to the theater and buy tickets for "Showgirls" with fake IDs with your friends and on the way to the theater, you drop him off in the theater with the kiddie movie. Right now, I'll bet Bush is making Bulgaria watch "Disney's Beauty and the Beast."
Antibody Treatments Cure Allergic Reaction to Peanuts
Researchers in the Mount Sinai School of Medicine found a new treatment which stifiles the allergic reactions to peanuts and foods with peanut oil in them. Now I'm all for the advancement of science for better living and using new techniques and technologies to stop human suffering, but do you think maybe we could do a little better than curing the hives from eating a spoonful of Skippy?
People all over the world are suffering from debilitating illnesses like malaria, HIV/AIDS, cancer, the ebola virus, pnuemonia and, of course, herpes, and we haven't made a dent in any of them. But, hey, as long as it's research where no fetus are harvested for stem cells, then go nuts (no pun intended, I'm not *THAT* desperate for a joke). I'm only hoping if our medical leaders have any sense, they'll at least start funding a research project that will eradicate broccoli farts.
Mother's Months Old Body Found in Dead Son's Van
Finally formy Guilty Pleasure News Story, which is one weird ass story that I allow myself to read even though I know it'll just go straight to my thighs (like all my ex-girlfriends did, I thank you), this story comes from Denton, Texas where police found the body of a man who died in his van in front of his home. Upon further investigation, police actually found the guy's dead mother under a mountain of beer cans that went as high as the head rests. And the scary part is they determined the mother and the son died months apart.
Now I know we're all the thinking the same thing..."I smell 'Weekend at Bernie's 3'". All I can say is it's about time.
That's all for this week. Until next time, stay out of the funny papers.
But who can blame you? The news is scarier these days than waking up in bed after an all night tequila bender next to Dame Edna. So don't worry, I'll do the work for you. I'll read the paper each week and bring you up to speed on everything that's anything worth mentioning in the news and even some stuff that you don't need to know and didn't know happened in the first place but would just be good to know about.
President Bush Holds Iraq Summit in Azores
Ok first off, President Bush is trying to salvage whatever allies he can against Saddam Hussein since his United Nations resolution stalled because so far, he's only got Spain, Bulgaria and Great Britain on his side. So he's going to the Azores with Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar but not with the Bulgarian Prime Minister. Not even the Bulgarian Postmaster General.
They've got to be feeling really left out right now like when you want to go to the movies with your friends and sneak into the really dirty movie, but your mother makes you take your little brother with you so he doesn't feel left out. So you go to the theater and buy tickets for "Showgirls" with fake IDs with your friends and on the way to the theater, you drop him off in the theater with the kiddie movie. Right now, I'll bet Bush is making Bulgaria watch "Disney's Beauty and the Beast."
Antibody Treatments Cure Allergic Reaction to Peanuts
Researchers in the Mount Sinai School of Medicine found a new treatment which stifiles the allergic reactions to peanuts and foods with peanut oil in them. Now I'm all for the advancement of science for better living and using new techniques and technologies to stop human suffering, but do you think maybe we could do a little better than curing the hives from eating a spoonful of Skippy?
People all over the world are suffering from debilitating illnesses like malaria, HIV/AIDS, cancer, the ebola virus, pnuemonia and, of course, herpes, and we haven't made a dent in any of them. But, hey, as long as it's research where no fetus are harvested for stem cells, then go nuts (no pun intended, I'm not *THAT* desperate for a joke). I'm only hoping if our medical leaders have any sense, they'll at least start funding a research project that will eradicate broccoli farts.
Mother's Months Old Body Found in Dead Son's Van
Finally formy Guilty Pleasure News Story, which is one weird ass story that I allow myself to read even though I know it'll just go straight to my thighs (like all my ex-girlfriends did, I thank you), this story comes from Denton, Texas where police found the body of a man who died in his van in front of his home. Upon further investigation, police actually found the guy's dead mother under a mountain of beer cans that went as high as the head rests. And the scary part is they determined the mother and the son died months apart.
Now I know we're all the thinking the same thing..."I smell 'Weekend at Bernie's 3'". All I can say is it's about time.
That's all for this week. Until next time, stay out of the funny papers.
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